Project 365 (er 334?) : An Astute Reflection

6 Jul

“I’ve loved. I’ve laughed and cried.
I’ve had my fill, my share of losing.
But now as tears subside, I find it all
so amusing.

To think: I did all that.
And may I say, not in a shy way.
Oh no. Oh no not me.
I did it my way.”

It’s all over!

After a year, and sadly only 334 pictures, my project has ended. I thought about carrying on in order to reach the eponymous number of 365, but I am BURNT OUT on this photos every day thing. And I am ready to live my life undocumented (publicly that is, my journal is still my best friend).

I learned a lot through this project. I’m not a huge fan of photography. My camera is not the best. Taking pictures outside always results in a better picture. I know a lot of people who can take everyday things and create beautiful photographs. I am not one of them. As I’ve said before, I love visual art, but I have never had a natural talent for it.

It’s been a ROUGH year, and I’m not going to lie, I can’t even look through some of those old photos, too many mixed emotions. It’s hard to look at the truly old ones and feel the hopes and expectations I had for the rest of the year. I never even briefly thought I would end up where I am at this moment. Even harder to swallow is rewinding my life two years and seeing how differently things have turned out, how my plans changed, evolved, and skewed. I look at that period in my life and feel like I had a path, which I have strayed so far from. I feel like a little lost lamb in a very big, confusing pasture.

So in summation, this is not the end of posting on this site, but I still haven’t figured out what to do with this space yet. I have so many things to situate and figure out in my life now that some of the dust of the chaotic last couple of months has settled. I think this is an exciting time in my life, because I am going to completely rebuild my life. Nothing to stop me from chasing the dreams I once had. I feel like Julie Andrews in “The Sound of Music” where she steps out of the convent and heads off toward her new life with the Von Trapp family. She always wanted adventure. She always wanted to see new things and chase her dreams. In that amazing song, “I Have Confidence,” she says that this is what she wanted, this is what her life was meant to be. She stops at that low wall overlooking Salzburg, puts her guitar down and wonders why she’s terrified.  Julie and I are here to tell you, it’s fucking scary, ya’ll! It would be easy to settle into a job that pays well (and insures), a relationship that provides support, buy a car, adopt a dog, pay the down payment on a house, take the cruise, raise the kids. And I could be happy. Millions upon millions of people are. But, me, I’ve always been the one to head to Seattle at 18, to major in Creative Writing, to follow my hopeful heart across the country, to stay in a big city. And , let me tell you, it has all been scary. But what I can say is that it hasn’t been boring, and it hasn’t been ordinary. I haven’t a clue what comes next, but I am ready to throw myself into it, because I know that at least it won’t be dull. I will hopefully document some of it here and keep everyone up to date on what is happening in my life.

But for now, the camera has been put in a drawer, and I am trying to carve out the life I’ve always wanted.

 

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